JacKardiac.com

Book Review: Jurassic Poop, by Jacob Berkowitz

2007-01-25T09:53:00.000-06:00

Kyler and I went to the library yesterday, for the first time in a matter of months. (Not because we avoid libraries, but because we've been out of town for quite a while...) I went with the intention of picking up a few fresh videos to rent, but we ended up sitting on a couch and reading a few books as well.

And wouldn't you know it? The kid goes over to a table, snatches up a lone book and comes trotting back with a grin on his face. He can't read (yet), but something in his smile says he knows EXACTLY what kind of book he picked up.

"Read this to me, Daddy!" he says excitedly.

"Okay," I say, barely looking at the title. Something about dinosaurs I think to myself, absently turning the page...

...only to find myself staring at a cartoon of a Tyrannosaurus Rex squeezing a turd out in a river.

"What's he doing, Daddy?" Kyler asks, pointing to the straining creature.

I stare at the cartoon blankly. "Um..." then I turn back to the cover to see what kind of book I'm reading... Jurassic Poop, I think to myself... What in the world....?

"He's... ah.... he's pooping," I answer, turning back to the page with a smirk.

"Ewwwwwww!!!!!"

And so it goes... reading about dinosaurs pooping for the next 32 pages. To be honest, it was very scientific. It wasn't just showing huge lizards making lumps for the sake of yuks, it actually had photos of scientists examining, dissecting and analyzing fossilized poop.

Kyler loved it. He's still talking about the book today. Thankfully he didn't have the bright idea of actually checking the book out... :)

Kevin

Book Review: Can A Guy Get Pregnant? by Bill & Rich Sones

2007-01-20T13:43:00.000-06:00

The Book: Can a Guy Get Pregnant?: Scientific Answers to Everyday (and Not-So-Everyday) Questions - Bill Sones, Rich Sones

The Hook: Intriguing & outlandish questions about little-known facts (or myths).

The Thoughts: I love trivia. I really do. And more than anything, I love learning about the cross-sections of society and culture that I wouldn't normally run across. To be able to find an easy-to-digest collection of across-the-board, specialized questions and answers is nothing short of delightful to me. So when I heard about this book (don't recall how....), I knew it was for me.

With questions like "Do blind people see in their dreams?" and "Why do so many couples get divorced?" (simple mathematics) and "What's the strongest material made by an animal?" are all intriguing gems. Wow, am I lovin' this book! Not only is it entertaining and educating, but it's very well-designed as well. Each question and answer takes up one page and one page only, making this the ideal "pick-me-up" book for when you don't want to waste time sitting in line. (Or, in my case, working out on the treadmill or stationary bike at the gym...)

Great book, highly recommended. I can't wait for another like it! :)

Kevin

Book Review: Survivor, by Robert Steele Gray

2007-01-19T00:23:00.000-06:00

Last night I started a new book, Survivor, by Robert Steele Gray. It was selected by my wife with utterly random abandon. "What book should I read next?" I asked her in bed. "Third shelf down, third book from the left."

Hm. Okay... might as well...

So I picked it up and dug in. Here's the blurb from the back cover:

"Mark Lewellyn is an overweight, forty-something couch potato leading a life dominated by computers, television, and an array of other electronic gadgets: in other words, the typical modern man. Incredibly, while out in a rainstorm, Mark is struck by twin lightning bolts that steal him from his lazy suburban slumber and propel him back into stone-age America. The absence of today's modern conveniences proves to be the least of Mark's troubles, as he's forced to confront the very essence of life: basic survival.

Suddenly he faces buffalo herds, bears, floods, primitive villagers, and warring Indian tribes. This is not only a thrilling adventure story, but also the fascinating account of a "nobody" lost in a modern anonymity who learns what it really means to be a man."

The story is far-fetched, but I still liked the premise. A guy on the run in prehistoric times? I'm there! Battling dinosaurs, fighting the elements and terrain... yowza! Gray did a great job starting straight out of the gate, and by page 3 the guy's been zapped. No time wasted building everything up or nothin' (which could be a good or a bad thing, depending on what kind of novels you like...).

But then it kinda bogged down after a few more pages, shifting in viewpoint from Mark's struggles to his wife & kid's lives back in modern day Texas. And, alas, not a dinosaur in sight. (At least, not that I found when I started speed-browsing after page 40...) So I'm afraid it's going to the Paperback Swap list for someone else to snatch up.

Again, though, great premise. Nice to see wild plots still get published these days...

Kevin

Book Review: Utopia, by Lincoln Child

2007-01-18T11:46:00.000-06:00

This week I finished reading Utopia, by Lincoln Child. I had previously read the novel The Relic by Child and his co-author, Douglas Preston and was impressed with the pacing and creature descriptions. I didn't know what the novel was about, so I just picked it off the shelf blindly and dug in.

It wasn't bad. It wasn't what I'd call a page-turner, but that's because I've been spoiled with Matthew Reilly's work (Ice Station, anyone?) But for the most part I enjoyed it. A bit too long on narrative description, not enough hooks for my taste, etc., but the characters were good and the setting was completely original and detailed.

So if you're into techno-thrillers with a dash of terrorist intrigue, you might be quite pleased with Lincoln Child's Utopia.

Kevin

The Ice Storm Cometh.

2007-01-12T12:13:00.000-06:00

This weekend in Oklahoma they're predicting up to 2 inches of ice and sleet to blanket the state. We're being told this storm will be worse than the one in 2002, when there were electrical outages everywhere (someone in Kim's office had no power for over a week).

Even though I grew up in Oklahoma, I never really experienced the inconvenience an ice storm can bring. And in Indonesia we experienced our share of brown outs and down power, but it never lasted long. But power outages in the winter? No way to heat the house? No way to cook food? That's something else entirely.

Am I scared? Just a tad. Not "pee runneth down the leg" scared, but more like... concerned. We've all grown so comfortable with our lives' various comforts.. to get 'em yanked away forcefully, so quickly... well, it'll be a shock.

As I was praying this morning, trying to ask God how I should pray to avoid the calamity, the verse from Psalms 112:7 came to mind. "He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD." (The whole passage describes the man who "fears the Lord.")

That's good stuff.

There's a storm coming. An ice storm. That's bad news. But me? I'm not going to be afraid, because regardless of what happens, I will trust in the Lord. Not trusting that He'll specifically swoop down and save us or protect us, but that regardless of WHAT happens the next few days, He is still God and knows EXACTLY what we need and when.

So, Fear! Time for you to take a hike. And Pee! You crawl right back up my leg and return from whence you came! (Wow... what a visual.... eww......) I know where my heart is, and where it's not. Circumstances may change from moment to moment, day to day, but God and His sovereignty will not change.

I'll be sure to post some pics later...

Kevin

Resolution Revolution.

2007-01-04T20:11:00.000-06:00

So the other night Kim and I were over at Rob and Carreybeth's (our friends around the corner) eating dinner, and Rob asked if we had made any New Year's Resolutions. Needless to say, we hadn't. It hadn't even occurred to me, honestly. I used to make resolutions back when I was younger (more idealistic?), but I just haven't done it recently. Eh...

Still, his question got me thinking, and a few minutes later my jumbled thoughts had strewn themselves together and came spewing out of my mouth. "I have an idea," I announced. "Why don't we make resolutions for the OTHERS around the table?"

Blank looks all around.

So I explained the concept: Kim, Rob and I would come up with a resolution for CB. She, Rob and Kim would come up with one for me, and so on and so forth, until everyone has been told off how to improve themselves (or how much they suck, depending on how neurotic you are...). I don't think I knew what a can of worms I had exploded, but thankfully it didn't go over too poorly. (i.e., no one ran from the room in tears or flipping the other three off... well, no one ran from the room in tears, anyway...)

I won't go into everyone's suggestions, but I will share what they came up with for me. Because I like to go to the gym and go for a leisurely swim or a relaxing walk on the treadmill, Rob suggested that I actually work to get my heart rate up to where I'm doing aerobic exercise. I found the idea to be intriguing and enough to make me squirm, but I accepted it. (How could I not? I was the doofus who came up with the game in the first place...)

So for the past few days I've been at the gym, briskly walking on the treadmill for a half hour, getting my heart rate up to 130+ and so on. The first time I knew I was going to die. Just flat out have a seizure right there on the machine, in front of all the workhorses surrounding me (and THEY run at full tilt, mind you!). Alas, I didn't die. Today I thought my calf would seize up (again, drawing gawkers galore...0, but it didn't happen either (yet).

Lesson learned? Don't come up with cute, novel ideas of ways to play with people's heads unless you're ready for them to poke around in your life first. Or something like that...

Mr. Universe (Kevin)

Kyler & His Cousins.

2006-12-18T16:23:00.000-06:00

CloseCousins
Originally uploaded by jackardiac.

This is a great shot of Kyler and his cousins, Cameron and Allison. Taken at Thanksgiving in Tulsa, I think it's an amazing photo, effectively capturing all three of their individual personalities and spirits. This is destined to be a classic moment for them to look back on and enjoy when they're adults. (Or at least that's what I'm envisioning one day... you know... the dreamer Kevin....)

I'll upload more fun stuff later. :)

The Dreamer (Kevin)

2006-12-17T21:13:00.000-06:00

Testing part two...

Now I'm testing the Blogger Widget in Mac OS X's Dashboard. Trying to see how I can streamling my entries to an insane level... (you just KNOW e-mail and an audioblog are comin' up next, don't you...?)

Kevin

Burning Down the House.

2006-12-17T21:08:00.000-06:00

Burning Down the House. (Blendon)
Originally uploaded by jackardiac.

I'm testing Flickr's ability to update my blog at JacKardiac. Bear with me... (more ungainly tests to come later...)

Kevin

Flickr

2006-12-17T21:08:00.000-06:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Switcheroo.

2006-10-31T19:09:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I'm screwin' around with the template a bit. To be honest, it was an accident. As I'm working through revamping JacKardiac.com and separating my creative outlets from my family ones (i.e. a separate site for family stuff), I was browsing the templates at Blogger.com to find something suitable for the JacKardiac name.

I came across one that looked nice and adventurous, but the background looked some some smoker's wallpaper. Nasty stuff. So I'm back to plain jane until I revamp the whole thing in iWeb. I like the simplicity of Blogger, but at this point I'd rather be in control of the entire formatting of my site(s), so iWeb it is...

Anyhow, I'm coming up with new ideas to write about, so stay tuned... I'll update this thing regularly yet...

Kevin

A Random Update.

2006-10-17T20:27:00.000-06:00

I have a zit on my armpit.

That's right. My armpit. The right one. And it's right in between two muscular (read:sexy) ridges. It's like someone stuck a small marble in there. I daresay it's a cyst of some sort, but because those are usually precluded by the word "ovarian," I'm choosing to call it a zit instead.

In other news, Kyler saw one of those Halloween Costume stores and asked if he could go inside sometime. I debated in my mind whether I wanted him to be exposed to the grotesque and downright demonic images that are bound to be inside, and said, "Well, Kyler, I don't really want to go in there. There are a lot of things that look like monsters in there and I don't think it's a good idea."

Without a hesitation, he responded, "That's okay, Daddy. I'll be with you. You don't have to be afraid."

Heh. Smart kid. Funny, too. I think we'll keep him.

I wonder what his brother / sister will be like?

Lastly, I had my head professionally shaved by a barber today. Kyler was getting his haircut, and when he was done I asked the guy if he ever shaved bald me as well. He nodded yes, and within minutes I was lathered up and sweatin' at the sight of a sharp blade against my skin.

Yowza. It was worth the $12 just for the sake of the experience, but I think I'll stick with my own Gillette combo (Sensor 3 disposable & Multi-Glide Shaving Gel).

That's it. The update. Enjoy.

Kevin

Be Still My Soul.

2006-04-10T08:32:00.000-06:00

Be still my soul: the Lord is on thy side!
Bear patiently the cross of grief and pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide-
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still my soul: thy best, thy heav'nly friend
thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
to guide the future as he has the past;
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake-
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still my soul: the hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still my soul: when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

- This song has been ringing in Kim's head for a few weeks, and after she shared it with me, I find it's stuck in my head, too. I'll admit I was more familiar with the melody than the lyrics, but after reading the lyrics I have to say it's one of the most powerful songs I've ever heard. The words are incredibly applicable to us right now, and we're amazed at God's consistent faithfulness and love. I know how pithy that sounds, but once you experience it as truth, the pithiness shrinks away. :)

-Kevin

Meat Street Vendors, Pt. 2.

2006-03-22T10:54:00.000-06:00

This is a story that a friend of mine shared. I thought it would make for good reading as we continue our "Meat Street Saga."

- Kevin

______
In Omaha one day, years ago, I was outside a PC computer and parts retailer -- right in the middle of town. It was a Spring day, and as I got ready to get into my car a plump, Mafioso-looking guy pulled up in a white, non-full-sized pickup truck (think Chevy S-10) with a low topper on the bed. The topper had a ridge running lengthwise down the center of the bed and insulated, fiberglass doors which opened up, hinged along the ridge.

Guido (or Vinny -- had to be one of the two) got out and made his introduction. He was clearly from New Yahwk or thereabouts. No one could have stood out more smack dab in the heart of the midwestern plains. Like your experience, it was about the strangest thing I had ever seen. He had slicked black hair, a prosperous belly, gold chain, wide collars, and was about 50. He caught me and another customer (who was on the way in) and started his pitch.

(Guido) "So, ya got a computah dare, huh? Yeh evuh hafta get dose tings cleaned out? Huh? About how awftun do yuh hafta get dose tings cleaned?"

(Me) "???????????????????????????"

(Other guy) "????????????????????????"

(Guido) "Hey I wanna show you guys dis. You interested in some really nice steak and lobstuh? [opens a lid on the pickup revealing a pit filled with small ice cubes, vacuum-sealed steak pieces, and lobster tails.

Guido lifts out a convenient lobster tail] Dees are really nice pieces hee-uh ("here")"

(Me) [Strangely smiling, because that's what you do when you're nervous/curious] "Umm, no thanks."

As I got into my car and left, Guido was still pitching the ingoing patron.

Disturbing Bunny Treats.

2005-07-05T12:22:00.000-06:00

Recently I went to the Woodland Hills Mall in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and while I was waiting for Kim to pick up something slinky over at Victoria's Secret (rowr), I wandered across the hall into some kind of a food store. As I was browsing down the aisles in search of a condiment spice called "Slap Yo' Mama*" I saw these "bunny treats" and had to take a picture.

"These made me throw up a little," says the bunny, grinning through his paws.

It just seems odd, you know? That a marketing department would approve of a tagline that specifically states their product makes you vomit. But only a little, mind you. It's not like you'll be swimming in barf or anything... just a cup's worth, maybe...

The "spaz juice" energy drink beside the "treats" has a similar tagline, which actually made me laugh aloud.

"All the energy you need to annoy everybody else."

How very true...

Kevin

Beware the Meat Street Vendor.

2006-02-22T17:02:00.000-06:00

Picture this: It's 6:07pm the other night, and I'm chasing Kyler around
the room, like I do most every night (sans meatcleaver, thank you).
Suddenly the doorbell rings. Calling a "time-out" from our race, I rush
over to the door (always hoping it's something from UPS that I forgot I
won on eBay). Throwing it open with glee, I quickly frown, as it's not
the UPS guy. This guy had greasy hair and was wearing jeans and a black
leather jacket. With a chain or two hanging off of it.

Nope. Definitely not UPS.

Stepping outside, the conversation goes something like this:

"Hi! What's up?" I ask.

"Oh, hey man," Greasy begins, "I'm going around the neighborhood here
and I'm selling top-notch, high-quality cut meats."

"Okay..."

He points a finger to a white, windowless van idling over at the curb.
"I have that van stocked full of the choices meats, all guaranteed for a
year from now..."

I stare at him blankly.

"And..." he continues, unfazed, "Just to show you that we're the real
deal and not just some fly-by-night company, you can see here" (whips
out a laminated flyer) "where our contact information is and how to get
in touch with us in the future. Seriously," he continues, shoving the
flyer back in whatever pocket it appeared from, "These are the best
meat you've had in a long time, and they're guaranteed for an entire
year!!"

I nodded. "Ah.. thanks, but I think I'll have to pass for now. Good
luck, though!"

"Okay, man. Thanks!" And off he goes, tromping back to the van... or to
a neighbor's house... I didn't really know or care...

Sounds strange? Imagine being in my shoes, on the porch, having a total
stranger offer to sell me meat from his van.

I've never, EVER heard of such a thing, and I'm racking my brain to
figure out what the catch is. Where the con is. Is he scoping houses to
see who's home and when? I have no idea. I'm clueless as to the true
purpose of the Mystery Meat Street Vendor, so if anyone out there has
any insights, be sure to share them...

Who knows? Maybe he was just too high on crack to know what he was
doing... baffles the brain, it does...

Kevin

Cubicle Madness.

2006-02-22T14:45:00.000-06:00

Before I begin, I want to apologize for the last post. I don't know why
it turned out to ugly, but it might have been because I sent it as an
HTML e-mail instead of plain text. Either way, I'm sendin' it as text
this time, just to see if it'll play nicer...

So, I'm still working at Love's, but this will be my last week. They're
working on the program I'm using, so they'll need to doctor it up next
week. There's a chance I could be back after that, but none of us are
holding our breath. (It's up to the accounting department... or...
another area of the accounting department... whatever...)

It's been a great ride, though. Today I was able to sift through a ton
of Cds I had bought last summer but never listened to. Within hours I
was able to determine whether they were worth further scrutiny or if
they should go in the eBay stack. Sorry to say, but out of some 10 CDs,
not a one is worthy of keeping at this point. But, c'est la vie, right?
At least I had the chance to explore 'em...

In the meantime, I should mention that I'm continually astounded by
eMusic's selection a breadth of new music. For a mere $10 a month, I'm
getting 40 mp3's for me to listen to and use as I'd like. (If you've
ever considered joining eMusic, drop me an e-mail and I'll get 'em to
send you a special offer... where I'll get a hefty 50 freebies just for
pointing them your way. Yowza...)

Lastly, I should also mention that I've been called back to LifeChurch
for my second interview tomorrow (Thursday). I went last week and took
the pre-screening tests so they could verify that I'm not an idiot and
I'm basically who I claim to be. (They also had a test on spiritual
gifts, which was pretty cool...) So I meet with them again tomorrow and
we'll see what happens from there. (Fingers crossed, clenching my legs
to keep from wetting myself....)

Just kidding. I'm not crossing my fingers...

Kevin

The Working Stiff.

2006-02-14T15:38:00.000-06:00

For the first time since the Summer of 2002, I, Kevin Mills, have a full-time job.

I’m currently working as a temp for Love’s Country Stores, in the accounting department, Technically I work for AccounTemps (or OfficeTeam, depending on who you ask). I’m pretty impressed with this temp agency, I should say. After signing up with Express Personnel back in December with nary a job lined up, I went over to OfficeTeam and had a job lined up the very next day. Plus, I took a lot of fancy tests which said I’m a whiz at Microsoft Word, Excel and Adobe Photoshop. And hey – who doesn’t want that kind of immediate feedback, huh? So not only did I get a job lined up, but I snagged some Gee-Whiz Atta-Boys in the process.

At any rate, I’ve been working here for the past week, and it’s not too bad. Granted, punching in numbers and dates on invoices all hour – for eight hours straight – can be a bit mind-numbing. Heck, it’s probably the dullest job I’ve ever had as a temp, and I’ve had my share. But the people I work with are nice, and they appreciate my sense of e-mail humor, so I’m, not complaining at all. (I’ve always believed that 90% of one’s job satisfaction is garnered from your co-workers. Might be overstating it a bit, but it’s a hefty percentage, I’m sure…)

In the meantime, I’m also in the application process for a job at LifeChurch.tv, as the “Internet Campus Administrator.” The title is kinda corn-cobbish to me, but the description was right up my alley. “Excellent communication skills. Chatting ability. Self-starter & a people person.” It sounds mighty nice, and I’m pleased to say that after last Thursday’s interview I’ve been called back to undergo the “pre-employment testing” THIS Thursday. Yee and haw. (I fully expect to pee in a cup. In fact, I’ll be disappointed if I don’t…)

So I’m thanking God for the opportunity to work at LifeChurch, and I hope He’ll continue to open the doors according to His will, whether there or elsewhere.

And now… back to number crunching…

Kevin

Arrested Development & The Ocean Walker Hat

2006-01-18T09:58:00.000-06:00

I'm pleased to announce the latest addition at my CafePress shop: an unofficial "The Ocean Walker" hat. This is the fictional movie that Maeby talked about on Arrested Development in a recent episode. Fans of the show will recall her prophetic words, "Holy Crap! That would look great on a hat!"

And guess what? It Does!!

So support the show by snatching up this one-of-a-kind hat, and let the world know you're in on the joke. Also, be sure to catch Arrested Development on Friday, February 10th, when they show the last 4 episodes back-to-back in a 2 hour chunk. It'll be a glorious evening, it will!

Taste the Happy!

Kevin

Tales of the FryMac.

2005-12-30T08:39:00.000-06:00

A sad thing happened this week. I turned off my iMac so I could take a nap in silence (without the hard drive spinning ambiently in the background). After a restful hour or so, I return to my chair, press the power button, and - then it happened.

There was an ugly BZZZT! sound, followed by nothing. No startup screen, no power whatsoever. But that wasn't the worst part. The WORST part was seeing the thin wisps of smoke slowly waft out of the top of it.

Oh, yes. THAT was the worst part. By far.

So, there you go. In .5 seconds my iMac up and died on me. :\ It lived a good 5.5 years, and I loved it dearly. I'll say I was pretty sad to see it go, but not devastated. Why not? Because I had the foresight to BACK UP on a regular basis. (Much thanks to Greg DeWilde in St. Louis for the extra FireWire drive he had on hand a year ago...) Thus, I only lost a few days' worth of files, and to my recollection, there wasn't anything irreplacable. (Just a few freshly acquired MP3s, etc...)

Still, I was faced with a dilemma. While I had planned to snatch my dream machine - an iMac 20" Flat Panel that came out a few years ago, I just didn't have the extra cash to plunk down for it these days. In the end, I decided on this baby on ebay.

Basically, it's a clone of my indigo iMac. I needed the 40gb drive (because that's how large my backup files were), and I know that everything I plugged into my previous iMac would work (not to mention most of the software, if not all). PLUS, I get the added bonus of having Tiger (10.4.2) preinstalled, so it'll be running the latest system software. (Assuming the processor can actually handle it well...)

In addition to these perks, I'll also be able to use the RAM I had in my previous iMac - a whopping 1gb. I should note that I just bought some RAM two weeks ago - a 512mb stick - and installed it. There might be a link between the new RAM and the ZAP, but I just don't know. (And who wants to go about proving such an allegation? Talk about headaches...)

So what am I running on now, you ask? Why, one of the extra PCs I snatched up at a garage sale last year for $20. The esteemed Century City 100. So far I've used it over the year for installing MP3 ringtones on my Motorola v400, as well as letting Kyler play PC games on it (Richard Scary's Busytown). But now it's really earning it's keep. Thankfully it has the USB slots to let me connect to the Internet over broadband, otherwise, bargain no. (That's a reference to some sci-fi TV show I saw in the 80's, but I forget which one... Star Wars? Trek? I dunno....)

So that's the harrowing tale of the life and death of my iMac. And the moral of the story?

Back Up Your Data. Or take your chances when the spectre of death takes a smoke break in YOUR computer.

Kevin

Florida's Natural Fruit Juice Nuggets

2006-01-17T13:39:00.000-06:00

These things are impossibly addictive. Not only are they packed full of fruit juice flavor, but they come in BLUEBERRY, the best flavor God ever created. (With Ocean Spray's "Hawaiian Guava" drink a close second...)

You should be able to pick these up at Target or Wal-Mart without any trouble. They also come in string form, but I highly recommend the nuggest. Sure, it's a small bag, but your mouth will thank you for givin' 'em something good.

Addictive, I tell ya...

For the Love of Clementine.

2006-01-11T10:36:00.000-06:00

I'm in love.

Last week my wife introduced me to the beauty of Clementine Oranges. Being the well-read guy I am, I was aware that a Clementine was a type of orange, but never imagined how different the experience of eating one would be. So easy to peel!! Bite-sized wedges! No seeds! It was a glorious moment indeed.

So I'm praising God for making Clementines. At the same time, I wonder what His hand was in it. I mean, are seedless fruits NATURAL? Or am I devouring a man-made, genetic freak? And if these things ARE some kind of Frankenstein Fruit, how does God feel about it? Is He thrilled that we're using the smarts He's given us to play with the creations He's made? Or would He rather us leave well enough alone? You know... "don't play with your food" kinda thing.

I don't know. All I know is I'm in love, and I have my wife to thank for it. :) (Thanks again, Kim!)

Kevin

Kevin Mills, Ant Hunter.

2005-05-18T20:25:00.000-06:00

I have a confession to make. I really don't like ants. I don't know if it would be wrong to go so far as to say I hated them, but if it would be - I'd go as close to the line as possible. (Loathing, perhaps? I'm a writer... I should know these things.... where's my Thesaurus...?)

It might have started when I was a little kid, perhaps 5 or 6 years old, when I was watching my older brother play baseball one day. He looked really odd in his striped pants and vest, but I was bored, so I stood by the fence and watched. Next thing I know, I have a tickling sensation running up and down my leg (TICKLING, not TINKling...). Then the tickling sensation immediately transforms into a MY LEG IS ON FIRE!!! sensation. I look down and see a hundred or so very large, very red ants making a concerted effort to turn my leg into Spam.

A hop, skip and a jump later (also known as the Insane, Screaming Mad Dash of Hell), and I'm safe in Mommy's arms, soaking my leg in Bactine...

That might have been where it all began. But those aren't the ants I'm contending with right now, at home in Edmond, OK. Oh no... the ants that are making themselves home here are the teeny, tiny sugar ants, that have a connection network better than anything Melaleuca ever came up with.

I was first exposed to THOSE ants when Kim and I went over to Indonesia for a year. Seriously, what we call an "ant problem" over here in America is nothing compared to the sheer force of the insect world over there. Case in point: over in Indo there are hundreds of small lizards called "chee-checks" (known as the gecko over here, I believe). They're everywhere, indoors and out. You're disgusted by them at first (especially when they decided to sleep in your toaster, with less than spectacular results), but for the most part you get used to them and ignore 'em.

Well, one day as we're leaving for the school, I notice a dead chee-check lying on the porch. Had a heart attack, touched the light bulb, colon cancer - who knows what had happened, but he was dead now. I notice a few ants crawling around him, and start humming the Circle of Life song we've all be infected with. So I shrug my shoulders and go on about my life, right? That was at 8 in the morning.

When we return from school at 3:00pm that afternoon, I go over to check on the guy and see how he is. Fact is, he isn't. There's nothing left of him but a SKELETON. That was the first time I ever really understood what the word "skeletonize" fully meant. It was awesome. And sobering... I mean, I had to SLEEP later that night... that's as close to death as you can get without crossing over... And ants? Well, come on, how big do you think their brains are, anyway? Do you really think they can tell the difference (or even CARE) if what they're gnawin' on is dead or alive? Please...

Which brings me to where I'm at now in life. The winter's over, the summer is upon us, and Kyler makes a daily mess in the kitchen. The ants, they are a comin'. At first I put my inventor's brain to work, trying to come up with a product to slap on the ants and stick' em up, like "ant paper" or something. The problem? I don't think the average American wants to see dead ants after they kill 'em.

My solution? Use one of the myriad lint rollers we have around the house and steamroll 'em. At first I just started whacking them, which was satisfying, but eventually your first bat success rate dropped as you'd hit 'em too hard, and some would fall off, and you'd have to hit 'em again. (Kyler suffers from this, but his batting average is improving daily... He has inherited his father's inner hunting skills... both of them...)

So now I use the wrist to roll the tool so that it will stick more of them the first time at bat. Bam. Next thing you know, you have 100 or so of the little bugs (buggers?) sweetly stuck to the sheet. "How's THAT for a network, ya stinkin' ants?!? Huh?! Oh yeah, a network of DEATH!!!!"

Insert evil laugh here.

And now? Now I'm going to go mop the floor with a bleach water solution in the hopes that I'll make a dent in their neverending onslaught. Thankfully, I know the ending to this battle.

There are no ants in heaven.

Conclusion? All ants will end up in hell.

You may balk at the theology behind this (or lack thereof), but sir, I'll end by saying just this:

It puts a smile on my face everynight I fall asleep. :)

Kevin

Spanking Telemarketers - Episode #11

2006-01-12T12:56:00.000-06:00

So you may have noticed it's been a few months since I've posted a Spanking Telemarketer entry. I finally set up the recording software and hardware on my replacement iMac, so I was ready to go when Anthony called. He was a swell guy, and went right along with my paranoid character of the day. (I'll be honest, though... I still miss Mary Lou.... sniff....)

Kevin

Spanking Telemarketers - Episode #10

2005-07-21T08:45:00.000-06:00

Well, my good ol' friend and confidant Mary Lou finally called back. If you don't know who Mary Lou is, she's supplied some of the best Telemarketer Spankings yet, as Episodes 4 and 5 can attest to. (I highly recommend you listen to those posts first, because they're all becoming part of an ongoing serial spanking, the likes of which have never been seen....)

Today's spanking was short and to-the-point. Not much chit-chat, just a quick Hello and Good Luck between contestants. Nothing like a little friendly competition to freak a 'marketer out, y'know? Especially when she didn't know she's in the mix to begin with...

Any suggestions on where I should go with this storyline next time she calls? Any ideas on how this unstable, mental cat can bat around the mouse a bit more? She WILL call back, you realize. She's not calling to sell me anything anymore, she calling to see what comes out of my twisted mouth and head.

I kind of picture her in a dark, dank cubicle, sick of cold-calling strangers and thinking to herself, "I know! I'll call that Kevin guy! He's always disturbingly entertaining when I get ahold of him!"

Seriously. According to my caller ID she calls at least 3 times a week...

Gotta love Mary Lou...

Kevin